In a five-year research program on self-awareness, researchers discovered that although 95% of people think they’re self-aware, less than 15% actually are. In a cross-industry survey of working adults, 99% reported working with at least one unaware person, and nearly 50% worked with at least four. Peers were the most frequent offenders, with 73% of respondents reporting at least one unaware peer, followed by direct reports (33%), bosses (32%) and clients (16%).

These numbers point to a need for the development of self-awareness in employees, managers and leaders.  Self-awareness helps people more effectively collaborate and communicate at work. Let’s look 4 simple ways to increase your EQ.

1)  Connection across behavioral styles

We normally communicate with others in a behavioral style that is most comfortable for us and we don’t normally consider our audience as often as we could. If someone shares our style we might connect sooner and engage with greater ease. For example, as an extrovert I often engage in conversation and build off other extroverts’ thoughts and ideas quickly. If I use that same behavioral approach with an introverted colleague, I might shut them down or potentially cut them off and lose out on their input and perspective. I first need to be aware of my natural communication style, then observe the style of my colleague, then figure out how to adapt and engage with them effectively. I may need to pause more with my introverted colleague, ask more open-ended questions, listen more, and allow them the reflective time they need in conversation.  As a leader, adapting across behavioral styles is even more important. Expecting your employees to adapt to you, with the power differential, can lead to disengagement, low trust and missed opportunities.

2)  Perspective taking

We often enter conversations aware of only our own perspective. We can be quick to share what we think, feel or believe about the issue or situation. Even if we are self-aware, we also need to be aware of the other persons thoughts, feelings and experience. Observe their body language and how what you said landed with them. Ask them what they think. Look for and try to understand their perspective. This is particularly important in today’s virtual environment. Managing relationships well requires us to enter conversations with an open mind, open ears, curiosity, and without judgment. First seek to understand and then discern.

3)  Knowing your negative triggers

A negative trigger is an emotional reaction that can shut down access to our prefrontal brain with negative results. In a triggered state we are most likely operating from our amygdala or reptilian brain. We can lose perspective and might find ourselves more defensive, judgmental, or avoidant. Communication can break down and relationships can be damaged.

Be conscious of what triggers negative responses in you. If someone says something that you perceive as offensive or disrespectful, how do you respond? Do you take it personally?  What feelings and emotions show up? How do you behave in the moment? Do you shut down, get angry, or say something that you may regret later? We need to be aware of our triggers so we can take steps to respond more effectively in the moment.

4)  Mindfulness practices

When we experience an amygdala hijack we react unconsciously; our breathing is shorter, our muscles are tighter, our pulse rate more rapid. Common responses are fight-flight-freeze or appease. The key is to intercept the hijacking by shifting your attention.

The simple technique of deep breathing is available to you wherever you go and allows for shifting attention. Try breathing in deeply for a count of 5, pausing, then breathing out for a count of 5. Repeating this several times will shift your focus and brain chemistry resulting in more clarity and calm. While you pay attention to your breath, focus on a positive feeling or emotion. This helps you reset, giving you the time to shift out of the negative reaction and back to the more effective parts of your brain. Now you can choose to respond more mindfully, listening better, empathizing more and exploring alternate responses.